Five Regrets of the Dying

I just read a forwarded email from my younger brother about "Five Regrets of the Dying" written by a Palliative Care Worker which I would like to share.

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Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author

For many years I worked in palliative care.

My patients were those who had gone home to die.

Some incredibly special times were shared.

I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth.

Some changes were phenomenal.

Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance.

Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again.

Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all.

When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.

Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.

Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed.

They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret.

But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners.

All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do.

And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others.

However, people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.

Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life.

Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down.

Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.

There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.

Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. 

But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away.

People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible.

But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them.

They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love.

Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task.

It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.

That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.

The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives.

Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. 

When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.

How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice.

It is YOUR life.

Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

Choose happiness.

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I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and this email has helped a lot. I know it's nothing new. I always know what I want in life, but once in a while I feel lost. I feel like I am standing at a crossroad deciding which road to take and wondering what will it bring me to. Each time when I feel this way, articles like this really help.

[Picture taken from http://ldsmediatalk.com/2009/09/24/finding-happiness-video/]

This is why I posted this so it may be helpful to anybody out there. Remember, no matter what you decided to do, the most important thing is still your happiness and your family. NOT career, money or fame. What will you think about when you are just few seconds away from dying? The faces of those you love, the jobs you have not finished at the office, the CEO position you are waiting for, or the money you have not spent?

No matter how hard you work for your company, when you leave, you are replaced immediately and within a few weeks you are forgotten. The more money you save, when you leave, you can't bring them with you. But family, they will always be there. You will be in their heart and mind even when you are no longer in this world.

It is your life. Do not make decisions you will regret when you are on your deathbed. Live life knowing that even if you are gone tomorrow, you have lived a full life and there is nothing left unsaid and undone.

[Picture taken from http://www.yogawithjohn.com/seva/]

Life...

From time to time, I always wonder why do I exist in this world? What is my purpose in life? What's the meaning of my existence and the existence of everything around me. Why am I me?

As I grow up, see and learn more things, I begin to understand more but sometimes I do find myself in complete darkness, still lost and wonder what life have in store for me.

I look around and see how other people live their life. Generally, in my opinion, there are four types of people. Group A live their whole life searching for money, fame and power. Dedicating life to religion only is also categorized under this group. In their studying life, all that matters is grades, positions in classes and out-of-class activities. When they started working, they must strive to get the best pay and recognition. They move from job to job when they are not satisfied with their pay. They get upset when they couldn't afford branded and expensive stuff. They hang around with rich and popular friends. In their mind, when you have status and money, you have everything and everybody respect you. These people somehow never feel satisfied even though they are rich. They will find ways to be richer. I just wonder what's on their mind the last few minutes of their dying breath. Are they finally satisfied they earn all the money they can, but feel sad because they can't bring together? Same goes for religion. I am not saying that God doesn't exist, but must a human being kill other human beings in the name of religion? Do they really think that God is so cruel? Do they really believe that by destroying other people (or places), God will award them the Best Destroyer of the month? Anyway, I am digressing. This is a totally different subject.

Group B cares only about romance and love. Not love from family and friends. Love from partner. In school, they day dream of the knight in shining armour. They get all excited when going out on a date. Life for them centers around their love life. They will be in seventh heaven when they have a boyfriend and when relationship goes well for them. When single, they spent most of the time improving their looks. When relationship turns sour, they get angry at everything else around them. They normally never realize that most relationship is not a fairy tale. When in relationship, they expect too much from their partner and usually gets disappointed when things don't go the way they think it will. Most of the people categorized under Group B don't stay in a very long relationship. Most of them end up being alone and wonder why nobody loves them even though they have tried their best. At the same time, they have put aside other important things in their life - their career (maybe), family and friends who really care for them, and most importantly living their own life.

Group C live their life simple. They are not worried about what other people think of them. They do not expect other people to treat them they way it "should" be. That way, they almost never disappointed when others treat them differently. Life to them is like a boat flowing freely on the river. They go where the river takes them, but have the paddle to choose which path to go when there's a fork in front. Don't get me wrong. Things are not perfect for Group C. They have their ups and downs in life. Who doesn't. What's important is that whenever they fall, they get up and move on, not frown over it and complain to the whole world, making themselves look like the victim of society. They may achieve no fame or money in life but they have the most important people by their side sharing their happiness and sadness. They are happy.

Group D is different. This group of people don't know what they want in life. They do not even know who they are inside. Sometimes, they want to have everything. Sometimes, they feel like they hit rock bottom. They are like cameleons, as they change their personality based on the group of people they are with for acceptance. Some of them end up depressed because they are not accepted by the society.

I do not know how everybody feels or think what's life should be like. I do not know what there in the afterlife. And I do not know the future, or what's in my pastlife if it really existed. But I feel that life is neither complicated nor simple. I think people should live their life in moderation. I do not think that we should treat other people how they treat us, or treat other people how you want to be treated. I believe that we should treat other people the way they should be treated or deserve. Use your common sense (most people don't have common sense at all). You do not have to treat other people nice all the time. Sometimes by being tough on them help them learn and grow.

 I do not feel that money is not important at all. Let's face it, although money is not our God and majority people in this planet "pray" to the power of money, I just feel that you only need sufficient money to survive and pamper yourself sometimes. You can't buy everything with money, unless you like artificial love. There are many things in life which money just can't buy, and believe or not, they are the the most meaningful and you will bring the memory to your grave without regrets.

I guess everybody has their own opinion on what is best for their life. As for me, I am quite satisfied with my life. I have a great family although we drive each other up the wall - I love them with all my heart. I have a loving and caring husband. Sometimes we can't stand being with each other, but before the end of the day, we always make up and we still know we love each other and going to make things work. I enjoy my job.  Smart and caring boss and nice and helpful colleagues. So far, life's been good to me. I appreciate what I have (although I complain at times). I do not have one million friends, and I do not keep in touch very often, but they are always there for me when needed.

Every night before I sleep, as I close my eyes and kneel to pray, I'm not praying for God to give me more. I'm thankful for what I have and I pray that everybody in the world is not rich, powerful and get what they want. I pray so they realize what's really more important their life and I pray they are genuinely happy, no matter what happened and no matter how life has treated them, they have the will to go on knowing that after the storm, then sun will start shining again.